Living in the Present

I wonder if what robs life from us most, from me, is believing and then living out the belief that once I just get ??? done (fill in the blank) then I can ??? (fill in the blank). Once I get... financially free, my kids raised, the house picked up, my education done, married, rested, etc., etc., etc... then I can... focus on relationships, spend time with my kids, go on a date, volunteer my time, get to know my neighbor, spend time with God, etc., etc., etc.

I was watching the movie "A Walk to Remember" with my wife and two boys last night (great movie by the way), and I found myself jealous of the love relationship being lived out on the TV screen before me. It carried my thoughts to my oldest son who is head long into a relationship with the girl who has caught his fancy, and I thought about just how thoroughly in the moment they are with each other... passionate and caring, kind hearted and serving, fun loving and illogical. I remember my relationship with my wife being that same way when we first met, taking in each and every moment with each other. The moment was what was central. Not only was it central with my "beau", but with friendships and church relationships and others. Past and future were important, but they didn't overshadow what was happening in the present.

As I get older, now in the latter half of my forties, the "moments" for me can often get fewer and farther between. And while to a degree this is to be expected with the growing responsibilities of life, I catch myself living by the "Once I get ???, then I can???" credo far more than I am comfortable with. I am often not even aware that I am uncomfortable with it until I am unexpectedly awaken from my hurried slumber by a movie story, a thought from an author, a great pause of laughter, a quiet of reflection... something that pulls me out of the routine.

Jesus said to leave the worries of tomorrow for tomorrow (Matt 6). He also reveals that he is in the midst of all the activities of the current day that present itself to us..."for when did I see you hungry or thirsty or needing of clothing... in the least of these I, Jesus, was" (A quoted parapharse of Matt. 25...don't know if that is legal, but you get the just of it). For me I find it hard, a battle, to hold on to Jesus' words and not let the busyness of life rob my living in the present.

God give me the focus, and the heart, and the fellowship to live in the moment. May I be planful "enough" of the future, and draw trust from your faithfulness you've revealed to me through my past, so that I can be attentive and free to take in the moments of this day.

Unknown Grace

I’ve gotten to watch a few more movies lately while having some down time. My oldest son has recently been into intense films that tell the story of true human drama, so I joined him in watching “Saving Private Ryan." I had forgotten the realism this movie portrays of the experience of war…the personal terror and blood of battle, the confusion of killing and compassion, the “seemingly” nonsensical fate attached to those who live and those who die. An intense film indeed!

Although the portrayal of the realities of war can be disturbing, what bothered me the most was the movies end. For those of you unfamiliar with the story it is a World War II depiction of a small platoon of soldiers given the task of saving Private Ryan, the sole remaining survivor of four brothers fighting in the war. This platoon of soldiers risk and ultimately sacrifice their lives so that this one man, Ryan, might be saved and returned to his home. At movies end the film is fast forwarded to our present day in which Ryan, now an old man, is accompanied by generations of his family to visit the grave sites of the soldiers who had fallen for him. Ryan’s words and expression at the tombstone of the platoon’s captain were haunting. A man appearing guilt ridden over his captain's sacrifice wrestles with the question of whether he lived a life worthy of others dying for him…unsure, he hopes that he “earned it.”

As I watched the movie end in discomfort, I realized the pain of a man who did not know grace. Did Private Ryan deserve to be saved? I suppose, but out of the myriad of soldier’s stories was he any more deserving? When weighed it seems Ryan’s saving was less an act of merit than it was the result of grace.

I’ve always liked the T.V. show “Extreme Home Makeover”…you know Ty and “move that bus!” When the show concludes I am almost always in tears, to which my wife and children tease and get a good laugh at me (hang with me here, I’ll tie it in). At first I use to think what is up with me and this major down pour of tears, until I realized what I was being moved by was an incredibly powerful act of grace. These families, not having any means to “save” themselves from their condition, are given an unbelievable gift. Their overwhelming response is one of gratitude, and I cry thankful tears right along with them.

It leads me to wonder how differently the portrayal of Private Ryan at the end of his life would have looked if he understood his saving was an act of grace. Perhaps burden and the weight of life would have been replaced by gratitude and freedom.

Kent

Ephesians 2:8 – “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

Healing

As I walked into church this past Sunday there was a quote up on the projection screen that read, “I am the Lord your healer.” I thought about that quote more intently that morning having just gone through back surgery two weeks prior. I believe that quote, yet at the same time I question it. I started thinking about healing and I wondered why God didn’t choose to fix my back before surgery. There were several times I prayed and had others pray with me for healing yet physically things didn’t change. The two initial questions it brought to the surface for me were, “God, are you really my healer?” and “Is it futile to even pray for healing?” God’s healing can seem so random to me.

The question of God being my healer raised another question that I took time to ponder, “What does God really most want to heal? Although I believe God is sympathetic to physical suffering and there are numerous times in the bible where Jesus performed physical healing, I think my “final answer” to that question would have to be relationship. The ultimate end of healing is relational. Whether Jesus touched and made the leper clean, put mud in the blind guys eyes (I totally don’t get that!) and restored his sight, or raised the dead to life the core purpose was to tell the story of God the savior and our need for a restored relationship with Him. I see that most confirmed in the story of the paralytic whose friends lower him through the roof to Jesus. Jesus first words were, “Friend your sins are forgiven.” It wasn’t until after Jesus was aware of those questioning Him that He said, “…so you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins…” and then He goes on to say to the paralyzed man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.”

If the ultimate desire of healing is relational, it then leads me to believe that it is not futile to pray for healing (or any other request for that matter)…even when what I am praying for doesn’t occur. Prayer is primarily a participation in a relationship not an outcome. It’s just like how it is with my kids. I don't meet every request of my boys even if I can. It is not always in their best interest or in the best interest of the big picture to do so. I do, however; want them to participate in relationship with me…to dialog about their hearts desire and engage me.

I will continue to ask and bring my requests to God, but I want to be more intent on seeking relationship with God in the process than on getting a desired outcome.

Kent

Sovereignty

I have rarely been accused of under-thinking much of anything in my life, and surgery was no exception. My back has bothered me for some time, and after struggling with more pain and limitation this fall Nanc & I made a decision the first part of October to pursue surgery. A disturbingly welcomed surprise followed the decision…although my legs would continue to get numb from nerve impingement, a good amount of my back pain calmed down. I appreciated the relief; however, it ushered in a new disturbance on the emotional side of life… “Should I still have the surgery or not?”, “I’m I making the right decision?”, “Will the increase in pain return again?”, “How do I know what to do?” On an even more interpersonal level I was aware of thoughts that ran the likes of, “Do people think I am making a mistake pursing this surgery?” (Particularly when I am feeling a little better), or “If I decide not to go through with the surgery now, will people just think I’m a wimp or maybe crying wolf about my back?” Needless to say the responsibility of making the decision felt very weighty, and produced many anxious thoughts.

On Wednesday prior to my surgery I received another unexpected surprise. I went to do my usual counseling gig that evening (I continue to do a small amount of private practice on Wednesdays) and my first client did not show. I was given an unplanned hour to myself and I was able to take time to be still and quiet my heart as I thought about the decision regarding surgery. I can’t say I always know or am confident in understanding how God speaks, but I was very aware of a clear and strong conviction that came to mind…I deeply believe God is sovereign, meaning that He is ultimately in control of all things. Even though He gives me the wonderful freedom of decision making and the license to create, His goodness toward me and His desired plans for my life and my family will always trump and work through the decisions and things I do…good or bad. Although some people may be uncomfortable with the thought of that level of dependence, for me it gave me great peace knowing that ultimately my life and decisions rest in God’s hands and that I can’t thwart His directions for me.

Nancy had gone out with a couple of friends that evening I was working and when we got a chance to touch base later that night I was humbled and grateful to find that her conversation with friends had walked the same path of affirming God’s sovereignty. The theme of sovereignty continued through the story of a novel I’ve been reading and then the words of a student who was likely unaware of the significance and contribution she was making toward this conviction when she said, “Don’t tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is.”

It is when the theme of a message is confirmed through many means when I most trust God is speaking. I am awed by His personal desire to assure me of his sovereignty and to lighten the weight of the load I have felt in making the decision to pursue surgery.

Kent

Ps. 138:15-16: “When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Gratitude

Sometimes it is so easy to walk through life and see everything that is wrong or comes up short...disappointing relationships, challenging finances, limited time with loved ones, crazy work systems, failing health, etc. I think we can see life this way because deep within our soul we are aware that we are made for something more...the desires of heaven, such as to love and be fully loved, to no longer toil, to feel completely secure and know our significance, to make a difference in the lives of others. When life falls short of these God given desires it disappoints.

I was challenged by a speaker at Grand View College this summer to identify 5 things each day for which I am grateful. "Gratitudes", he called them, because they can shape your attitude and outlook on life. While I have never been good at the discipline of daily activities like that, I am very mindful of the "happenings" of life and I frequently ask questions like "What am I to learn?" and "How does God want to speak to me?"

While I never wish surgery on anyone, it has provided a "happening" opportunity for me to reflect from and it has given me a window to see new things for which I am grateful.

SURGICAL GRATITUDES:

1. RELATIONAL AFFIRMATIONS -I don't know if I like the title I gave this, but I couldn't think of any other words (suggestions welcomed). Although I suppose it would lose it's wonder if offered all the time, moments like heading toward surgery provide opportunities to speak words and extend action we often feel in our core toward one another, but may not often say or do. I am very thankful for our family and friends who simply, yet sincerely, said words like, "we love you", "you mean so much to us", "we care about you." I am also grateful for the actions of many who set aside time to pray for us and with us, and to serve our family in many ways.
2. THE PRESERVATION OF DIGNITY - With all of our modern medical advances you'd think someone could come up with a hospital robe that doesn't leave you "butt exposed" to the world...humiliating yourself and terrorizing your fellow hospital companions! I am so grateful for my nurse, Lois. She had the unique ability to offer me dignity in the midst of my "exposing" moments. It is truly a gift to offer another human dignity and respect despite being aware of their brokenness and shame.
3. POST-ANESTHETICALLY INSTALLED CATHETERS - I'm thinking this needs no explanation!
4. THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF SIMPLE GESTURES -Nancy and I have received numerous calls, texts, and e-mails from people who took the time to simply wish us well, offer their prayers, extend encouragement, and ask if they could help. The majority of these gestures where short and sweet. To the sender it may not have felt like much, but for Nancy and I (the receivers) it provided a surprisingly deep source of encouragement. I was able to read through text and e-mails in bed (see the next gratitude) when I wasn't able to sleep well at night, and I was truly thankful for the thoughtful gestures of good friends. I wonder if we underestimate the power of our simple expressions of care?
5. SMART PHONE TECHNOLOGY - For all the times I have threatened to get rid of our answering machine or complained about over accessibility via e-mail, I've got to tell you that I have loved my smart phone during this time. I've been able to capture e-mails, peruse the web, and text people all from the confines of my bed. The convenience my phone has offered ranks right up their with the pee jar I got to use this week so I didn't have to try to get up out of bed and walk to the bathroom!
6. OLD FRIENDS - Many people where puzzled about why I had my surgery up in Ames. Well the number one reason was defintely my surgeon.  You may not know that Ames was also home to us for nine years, and we have many life long friends from that community. Both of the boys were born there in Mary Greeley Hospital, and we have friends there with whom we walked through those early stages of life...first married, first fight, first job, first children, first move. I am grateful for the new friends we have met along life's changes and moves, but I was reminded of the privlege of having friends that don't get lost over time. Nancy and I were visited at the hospital by several "old friends", many of whom we hadn't seen in sometime. I am thankful for the bonds of friendship that transcend time and place.
7. COMPANIONSHIP - One of life's deepest gifts is to have a companion to live it with. To say that Nancy has been incredible during this time doesn't even come close. For all the wear and tear of relationship and things we can take for granted in our marriage over time, I was freshly reminded of who Nancy is and why I asked that "Will you?" question over 23 years ago. I have been so grateful for the security & love she has provided over our years and particularly during a time of uncertainty, hope, and fear regarding surgery.
8. FAITH - I really don't know how to live life without it. For as much as I can feel confident about who I am and the things I go about doing, in the big picture I feel so small and life lacks meaning not tied to the God of my faith. In the week leading up to surgery God was incredibly kind to me (stuff I'll write some about later) by bringing thoughts and people to me that reminded me of His care for me and my family, and His good will toward us regardless of surgical outcome. Thank you, thank you!
9. B.M. - I was going to close with my thoughts on "Faith", which I am sure would have been much more appropriate. But, in light of this mornings events I must say there are certain bodily functions for which you are grateful when they once again reactivate following a major surgery. Let's just leave it at I am very thankful for this morning!

Kent

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - Phil.: 4: 8-9