Sovereignty

I have rarely been accused of under-thinking much of anything in my life, and surgery was no exception. My back has bothered me for some time, and after struggling with more pain and limitation this fall Nanc & I made a decision the first part of October to pursue surgery. A disturbingly welcomed surprise followed the decision…although my legs would continue to get numb from nerve impingement, a good amount of my back pain calmed down. I appreciated the relief; however, it ushered in a new disturbance on the emotional side of life… “Should I still have the surgery or not?”, “I’m I making the right decision?”, “Will the increase in pain return again?”, “How do I know what to do?” On an even more interpersonal level I was aware of thoughts that ran the likes of, “Do people think I am making a mistake pursing this surgery?” (Particularly when I am feeling a little better), or “If I decide not to go through with the surgery now, will people just think I’m a wimp or maybe crying wolf about my back?” Needless to say the responsibility of making the decision felt very weighty, and produced many anxious thoughts.

On Wednesday prior to my surgery I received another unexpected surprise. I went to do my usual counseling gig that evening (I continue to do a small amount of private practice on Wednesdays) and my first client did not show. I was given an unplanned hour to myself and I was able to take time to be still and quiet my heart as I thought about the decision regarding surgery. I can’t say I always know or am confident in understanding how God speaks, but I was very aware of a clear and strong conviction that came to mind…I deeply believe God is sovereign, meaning that He is ultimately in control of all things. Even though He gives me the wonderful freedom of decision making and the license to create, His goodness toward me and His desired plans for my life and my family will always trump and work through the decisions and things I do…good or bad. Although some people may be uncomfortable with the thought of that level of dependence, for me it gave me great peace knowing that ultimately my life and decisions rest in God’s hands and that I can’t thwart His directions for me.

Nancy had gone out with a couple of friends that evening I was working and when we got a chance to touch base later that night I was humbled and grateful to find that her conversation with friends had walked the same path of affirming God’s sovereignty. The theme of sovereignty continued through the story of a novel I’ve been reading and then the words of a student who was likely unaware of the significance and contribution she was making toward this conviction when she said, “Don’t tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is.”

It is when the theme of a message is confirmed through many means when I most trust God is speaking. I am awed by His personal desire to assure me of his sovereignty and to lighten the weight of the load I have felt in making the decision to pursue surgery.

Kent

Ps. 138:15-16: “When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”